I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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