I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
