Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
