would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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