I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
