The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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