I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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