My liver just broke up with me...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Quick, to the slutcave!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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