New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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