he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
