New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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