i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i think my cat just said my name.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
