I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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