I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
