Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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