I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
