went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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