I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
