I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
