i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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