I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
