You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
