I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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