I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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