What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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