she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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