and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
