dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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