My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
