you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
