I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
