i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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