I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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