It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
