when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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