Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
