I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
