i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
