I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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