I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
