Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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