It's a beautiful day for a hangover
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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