I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
