gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
