I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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