i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
