there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
