I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my shit smells like andre
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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