can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
