$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
