I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
